Everyone deserves a sex education

And I do mean EVERYONE.

Last summer a show called Down for Love was released on Netflix. The show follows “singletons from New Zealand who have Down syndrome embark on the search for love.” I’m a sucker for most reality shows, including mostly awful dating shows, and in the last few years there have been a few shows like this one, including Love on the Spectrum which featured adults with autism looking for love.

These shows have been controversial among audiences, but I love them. I feel like it shows dating in a way that is honest and pure and doesn’t include many of the “games” that so many encounter in contemporary dating situations. I love learning about people who have disabilities that are very different than mine, I love watching them fall in love, I love watching their parents beam with pride over their adult kids navigating this territory for the first time. I love watching families help each other through new experiences. But most importantly, from my perspective, it showcases their desire for partnership and love in a way that I think the rest of the word struggles to see. At the core, it shows that we all want love and connection.

It was on an episode of Down for Love that the trajectory of my life changed, which seems wild considering I wasn’t on the show nor was anyone I know. Hell, I don’t even live on the same continent. In episode 4 we meet Carolyn O’Neill, a sex educator, who was brought in to educate one of the young couples on the show.

And this is the moment my life changed because it said this about her…

It stopped me completely in my tracks. I took that photo above and I sent it to my sister and I said “THIS IS A REAL JOB PEOPLE CAN HAVE?!?!?!?!”

An intimacy coach for people with disabilities. And it’s all I’ve been thinking about since last summer. I watch TV with subtitles because #adhd and that image with a drink on screen and those subtitles has literally played through my mind for almost an entire year. I was already thinking about getting into the sex educator/therapy/whatever field for a little while but I wasn’t quite sure where I fit, or what I would do. I was feeling like a huge imposter because WHO AM I TO TEACH PEOPLE ABOUT SEX? What do I even know? I’ve never been an educator. Or a therapist. Or a coach. Or someone who has even studied sex and it’s complex history.

But then all of that got completely wiped away when I saw that short scene. I just knew that was what I would do. I still don’t have those skills yet but I will and when I found out that most programs don’t even talk about disabilities, that’s when I was like, “Ok bitch snap out of that imposter shit, this is your mission should you choose to accept it.” And accept I did.

I LOVED watching Carolyn explain consent to them and honestly that part REALLLLY got to me. I just kept thinking about if I got a chance to teach people about sex in the way that I wish I had been taught, what I could do, what I could change. Even just spreading the message of consent far and wide and how powerful that will be.

The other major take away from these shows that I’ve gotten is how hard it is for families to talk about sex with their adult kids. Let’s be real, most parents and kids don’t want to talk to each other about sex but this issue is far more complex than just the birds and bees talk for these families.

In society we infantilize adults with intellectual disabilities negating the entire idea that they may be or want to be sexual beings and therefore often do not give them any sex education at all. We’ve decided they cannot and should not have sex. Historically we’ve made reproductive decisions for them without their consent in the most barbaric of ways. I’d argue that the vast majority of adults without disabilities think that sex, intimacy, pleasure and partnership are things that are out of sight and out of mind for adults with disabilities. But they ARE adults and should be given an education about their bodies and sex like most other people get.

So this Netflix show really did change the course of my life because it solidified what my role could be. From there I realized that with my own experience with chronic illness and in gathering women through the years, that women with chronic illnesses (who are also likely approaching menopause) would be another good potential group of people to focus on. So that’s the plan. And while the plan will still take some time to go into motion, I am so excited about this future. About the people I’ll meet. The things I’ll learn. The change I am desperate to make. And hopefully with all this work, and writing, and tuition bills….I’ll also be helping a lot of people with disabilities have brain bending, face melting sex and then I will know my work here is done!