The roller coaster of applying to programs

When you can no longer avoid the concept of pronoia

A few months ago I thought I had my plan for school figured out. I had picked a program, talked to other people that took the program, saved the money and I was just waiting until December to apply.

In an unexpected turn, I had heard some things about the program I picked that were not very flattering and it put me right back at the drawing board. The curriculum and content quality is the most important factor for me when it comes to picking a program. I’m not looking for a quick certification, I really actually want to learn this stuff.

So I went back to researching programs. After much consideration, I decided to apply for the University of Michigan Sexual Health Certificate program for their sexuality counselor track. A decision I really struggled with based on the structure of the program itself (it’s virtual but it requires live instruction). As someone with two chronic illnesses, anything I have to do that requires me to be in-person at a specific date or time makes me nervous. I called and talked to the program director, who is lovely, and had a great conversation. I was feeling really positive about this choice despite still being intimidated by U of M in general. When I was a senior in high school I thought about applying to U of M for undergrad but psyched myself out, convinced it was too good for me. So I never applied but always wondered what if.

I submitted my application in early December and then proceeded to obsess about it knowing that it could take up to 6 weeks to hear back. I read the website over and over and then I got to page 4 of the FAQs and found out…I wasn’t qualified for the program. Despite all my research and phone calls, I missed the part where it said I needed to have a medical background or professional license of some kind and a year of clinical work. Cue devastation. How did I miss that? Why didn’t they tell me? How could I be so dumb? In a flash the plans I made for the last 1.5 years blew up in my face. I’ve never felt more inadequate in my life. And foolish. And embarrassed. I shame spiraled in a particularly impressive way.

But I have the BEST people in my corner who reminded me that I can do hard things (especially with their help). So we reached back out to the program for clarity because my wonderful husband and sister were still convinced I had a chance. They have both worked in admissions departments for various kinds of schools, but ever the avid rule follower, I had my doubts because THAT IS WHAT THE WEBSITE SAID!

In the call to the department, I learned a few things. First, they also agreed that the requirements on their website weren’t super clear. Then they told me that with my specific background (patient advocacy, nonprofit founder, etc) that sometimes exceptions can be made. There was still hope despite what I was telling myself. They said that multiple people in their office agreed that I would be a good fit for the program, but ultimately I would still have to wait (up to) 6 weeks for my application to be reviewed. This was a Friday. I submitted my application Wednesday of the same week. I had resulted to spending the holidays perseverating over their decision and my future. I told myself that in another day or so I would start working on my backup plan.

Sunday morning I opened my email to find an acceptance letter.

This whole process has been a real lesson in trusting the universe. I stumbled upon this field and the career itself. I’ve had numerous opportunities along the way that have appeared out of thin air. All things are lining up for me in a way I’ve never experienced before, which is why it felt like such a gut punch when I thought it slipped away before it even started.

I am working harder to lean into the idea of Pronoia:

Pronoia is a state of mind where someone believes that the world is conspiring to help them, and is the opposite of paranoia.

The work that I want to do….feels BIG. The people I want to help are so important. To a certain extent it feels like this was chosen for me and I’m just along for the ride. A feeling I can’t kick…especially now. Especially when it feels like I shouldn’t have even gotten this far.

There are still definite unknowns. There is a possibility I could finish this program and still not qualify for AASECT certification based on my background but that is a bridge I will cross…or build…when I get there. For now I’m just elated I get to start this work in April and I’ve resulted to worry less about it.

So sometimes the universe works for you. And every single person you tell is rooting for you SO hard. And maybe it’s all going to work out exactly how I pictured.

And maybe it won’t. But this is step one and I’m very ready to see what the next steps look and feel like.

I’ve also been waiting since I got that letter to make this post…still convinced I’d receive a call or something telling me they’d made a mistake. I even got a spam call this week labeled as University of Michigan and I was like THIS IS IT. THEY’VE FIGURED IT OUT! But instead of continuing to panic and doubt myself…I paid the deposit for the program.

And I will not be doubting myself anymore in regard to this path. As an obsessive rule follower…here’s a reminder, for you and me, that anything is possible.