• Sunday - My car won’t start.

• Monday - Take the car to the shop.

• Tuesday - I pick my car up from the shop and later get a phone call that my mom unexpectedly and suddenly passed away. She is my only remaining parent having lost my dad in 2015.

• Wed - My car breaks again, and I have a job interview.

• Thursday - I go to the funeral home to make arrangements.

• Friday - Orientation for school

• Sat - 8 Hours of school

• Sun - 8 Hours of school

• Mon - 8 Hours of school

• Tues - 8 Hours of school

I tell you all this because I started that week knowing that my life was going to change with the possibility of the job and school, but I could never have predicted the curve ball of my mom’s passing. I chose to attend school because this is a program that doesn’t really allow for absences, and though I was given an option to make it up a year from now, I decided to forge forward especially because I knew a distraction would be welcomed.

And it was THE BEST distraction.

That weekend was proof how joy and sadness can coexist side-by-side. That your brain can learn new things while simultaneously being so overwhelmed you forget if you’ve eaten a meal. As much as I wanted to just share with you how amazing that weekend of school was, it will forever be entangled with the memory of losing my mom and I honestly don’t know if I could write about one without a mention of the other. So thank you for sitting with me for that short recap.

Friday - Orientation

Despite being on Zoom, you could feel the energy. There were about 140 people on the Zoom call and it felt like I was buzzing. We spent a few hours recapping the program, how we use the online platform, and a lot of admin stuff. Somehow boring yet exciting. After the last break of the day we returned for a plenary session with a guest speaker.

The guest speaker was unknown to us until the camera came on and there she was in a bright swell of pink. For our first informational session, we had none other than Dr. Brent Satterly, aka Clitoris Umbridge (click the link to see how fabulous she is) dressed in full, delicious drag. I immediately knew I was in the right place with the right people. Dr Satterly, or Clitty Umbridge, gave an inspiring presentation on Queer Joy, Queer Resistance, and Mental Health. I wish I could explain to you how full my heart felt know that this was the program I picked, and this was the first presentation, and this was our first presenter. I knew this wasn’t going to be a typical school experience just due to the content, but wow, I was impressed from the jump.

I closed my laptop that day knowing that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

Welcome to the kind of information that I hope to share a lot more of in the future! If the title of this article makes you feel a little squirmy, that’s why I’m writing it.

Only three months into my 40s and I feel like I haven’t stopped talking about vaginal atrophy for at least two of those months and I can assure you no matter how many times I say it, the term doesn’t get any less abrasive. I think it’s time for a rebrand and along with that rebrand some education that starts going out to people with vaginas in their twenties! (Ok so it kinda did get a rebrand, as genitourinary syndrome of menopause, or GSM, but that is definitely not solving the ick problem).

Here’s what I’m talking about when I say vaginal atrophy:

Vaginal atrophy happens when lower estrogen levels cause the vaginal walls to become thinner, drier, and less elastic.

askabigailnpcnm

A post shared by @askabigailnpcnm

In the image above you can see more clearly what I’m talking about. Vaginal atrophy does not mean your vagina will just shrivel up like a prune but it does mean things are not as plump, soft, and elastic as they once were.

Alright so here is what I wish I had known years ago:

It’s Not Just About Dryness

Vaginal atrophy can cause itching, burning, painful sex, and even urinary symptoms like urgency and frequent UTIs. While dryness seems to be the only thing ever really discussed in regard vaginal health in perimenopause and menopause, vaginal atrophy is one thing that I am on a war path about because I learned this fact….just wait for…

87% OF WOMEN EXPERIENCE VAGINAL ATROPHY

I’m shouting. Can you hear me shouting? Eighty freaking seven percent of people with vaginas will experience vaginal atrophy within their lifetimes and NO ONE is talking about it. Not our grandmas, moms, aunties, OR OUR DOCTORS…no one. A handful of years ago, when I had first heard about VA, I thought it was relegated to only elderly women and it was exclusively about dryness. I was so so so wrong. This is not reserved for the geriatric people in our lives, instead, it can hit even in early perimenopause, and that can hit in your 30s. This is no longer a future us problem, friends with vaginas. This is a “could happen just about anytime” past 30 years of age problem.

And I want to be clear here, that when I mentioned burning or painful sex above, I mean anywhere from some discomfort all the way to “absolutely not, get out of me” pain. Vaginal atrophy can take a perfectly healthy sex life and body slam it like a WWE showdown. Please do not discount early symptoms of dryness or discomfort.*

It Can Start Sooner Than You Think

Many people assume vaginal atrophy only happens post-menopause, but it can start during perimenopause (or even sooner with certain medical conditions, medications, or after childbirth).

If you’ve even heard the term vaginal atrophy, it’s likely that you also cringed (because why does it have to sound so aggressive?!) but you again thought, it’s probably only a menopause thing.

Also, a fun tip because we’re here to educate:

Menopause is when a woman’s menstrual cycles permanently stop, marking the end of her reproductive years. It officially happens when she has gone 12 months without a period and is caused by a natural decline in estrogen and other hormones.

Perimenopause is the transition period before menopause when hormone levels start to fluctuate, causing symptoms like irregular periods, hot flashes, mood swings, and sleep issues. It can last a few months to over 10 years and usually starts in your 40s (but sometimes earlier).

Most of what we were taught as young adults that was identified as “menopause” is actually perimenopause, which again, can start in your 30s. So if menopause marks the complete end of your cycle, that means perimenopause is the roller coaster of hormones before menopause and this is where you can start to experience vaginal atrophy.

Lube Alone Isn’t Enough

While lubricants help during sex (and everyone should be using them all the time regardless of their age or status), they don’t treat the underlying issue and you’ll know pretty quickly if the lube alone is not solving your problems. If you’re using copious amounts of lube and it still feels like you’re having sex with a broken Coors Light bottle…it’s not the lube. It’s not dryness. It could be pelvic floor dysfunction, but it could also be vaginal atrophy. If you’re younger than 30, I recommend talking to your doctor about both pelvic floor therapy and the possibility of VA because they are treated differently. Additionally, if you’re doing pelvic floor therapy and nothing is changing and even the dilators are causing pain, it may be time to dive into VA as a potential cause of your pain.

Additionally, if you can tell me whether you were a Backstreet Boys fan or a N’Sync fan…it’s time to talk about vaginal moisturizers. Sorry to break it to you babe, but it’s not just your face that needs some moisture.

Vaginal moisturizers are a thing but because Estée Lauder doesn’t make one, we don’t talk about them. Many brands and different options are available, most of which can be purchased without a prescription. You’ll apply this moisturizer mostly to the outer labia and clitoral region, and sometimes right at the vaginal opening itself. As you age, and lose moisture from your body, you will notice that your inner and outer labia may change**. You might feel like they’re shriveling up…and they kind of are but fear not! This is where the moisturizers come in and on the market, there are some with and without hormones, there are also some that are a combo lube and moisturizer, which is a nice little twofer.

It Doesn’t Just Go Away on Its Own

Unlike a temporary hormonal shift, vaginal atrophy is progressive without treatment. Vaginal atrophy cannot be reversed but it can be slowed. DO NOT LET THIS SCARE YOU! There are many products and prescriptions on the market to support you if you are experiencing VA including moisturizers like I mentioned, estrogen cream, and even laser procedures. But it’s most important to remember that it’s tough to restore tissues that have been atrophying for a long time, so do not wait to talk to your doctor if you are experiencing any of the symptoms I have mentioned!

If You Don’t Use It, You’ll Lose It

I think about all the people I know who have had babies that were hard on their bodies, managing their postpartum lives, trying to reconnect with their partners while parenting, or even just managing their partner’s sexual expectations…it’s easy to see why many marriages suffer to engage in meaningful and pleasurable sexual connections. This is not reserved just for parents either, many child-free people also experience deep lulls in their sexual connections. I think lack of sex leads to resentment, the same way being pressured to have sex can lead to resentment. The Kinsey Institute reports that adults over 40, have sex on average about 1.3 times per week, and considering our modern-day lives where people are busy, stressed, and always on the brink of burnout it’s no wonder our sex lives are lacking the care and effort they deserve.

This is the fact that hit me the hardest: the longer you go without inserting something into your vagina, whether that be vaginal dilators, or regular sexual activity (solo or partnered), the more likely and severely your vagina will begin to atrophy. When estrogen levels drop, the vaginal walls become thinner, less elastic, and drier. Without regular stretching or stimulation—whether through sex, dilators, or even self-exploration—the tissues can shrink and tighten over time, making penetration increasingly difficult and even painful.

So if you’re someone who is struggling to make time, energy, and effort for your sex life I understand your dilemma. I also now bear the weight of telling you that will likely make your sex life worse in the long run, which frankly just doesn’t seem fair at all.

*Doctors Don’t Always Bring It Up—So You Have To!

Many doctors don’t ask about vaginal health unless you bring it up and/or are still far behind the curve on these symptoms and how to treat them or what they even mean. It’s important to remember that you have to advocate for yourself fiercely. If your doctor is blowing off your concerns, see a new one. And if it happens again…see a new one again and again and you keep going until someone starts listening and taking action.

** Yes, your Labial Folds Could Be Fusing Together

I am so sorry to break this to you because again, it shocked the shit out of me but yes, Labial fusion (or labial adhesion) can happen when the inner and outer labia stick together due to thinning, dry, and fragile tissue—often caused by low estrogen levels.

It all goes back to that moisture. When estrogen levels drop during perimenopause and menopause your inner and outer labia also lose their moisture and elasticity. This can lead to small, tiny tears in the tissues; when they heal they can slowly grow together over a long period.

Labial fusion is discussed EVEN LESS than vaginal atrophy but it can be treated though it cannot be fully reversed. What are the treatments? Good news, if you’ve made it this far you already know.

1. Vaginal moisturizers

2. Estrogen creams

3. Staying sexually active

So this is your cue to run, not walk to your next gyne appointment to tell them EVERYTHING. Everything that feels embarrassing or weird or scary. The things you think are not a big deal, or can’t possibly happen to you. You’re gonna walk in there next time and spill ALL the tea about your vagina because that is the best way you can keep your bits and bobs healthy, happy, plump, and functional!

A few months ago I thought I had my plan for school figured out. I had picked a program, talked to other people that took the program, saved the money and I was just waiting until December to apply.

In an unexpected turn, I had heard some things about the program I picked that were not very flattering and it put me right back at the drawing board. The curriculum and content quality is the most important factor for me when it comes to picking a program. I’m not looking for a quick certification, I really actually want to learn this stuff.

So I went back to researching programs. After much consideration, I decided to apply for the University of Michigan Sexual Health Certificate program for their sexuality counselor track. A decision I really struggled with based on the structure of the program itself (it’s virtual but it requires live instruction). As someone with two chronic illnesses, anything I have to do that requires me to be in-person at a specific date or time makes me nervous. I called and talked to the program director, who is lovely, and had a great conversation. I was feeling really positive about this choice despite still being intimidated by U of M in general. When I was a senior in high school I thought about applying to U of M for undergrad but psyched myself out, convinced it was too good for me. So I never applied but always wondered what if.

I submitted my application in early December and then proceeded to obsess about it knowing that it could take up to 6 weeks to hear back. I read the website over and over and then I got to page 4 of the FAQs and found out…I wasn’t qualified for the program. Despite all my research and phone calls, I missed the part where it said I needed to have a medical background or professional license of some kind and a year of clinical work. Cue devastation. How did I miss that? Why didn’t they tell me? How could I be so dumb? In a flash the plans I made for the last 1.5 years blew up in my face. I’ve never felt more inadequate in my life. And foolish. And embarrassed. I shame spiraled in a particularly impressive way.

But I have the BEST people in my corner who reminded me that I can do hard things (especially with their help). So we reached back out to the program for clarity because my wonderful husband and sister were still convinced I had a chance. They have both worked in admissions departments for various kinds of schools, but ever the avid rule follower, I had my doubts because THAT IS WHAT THE WEBSITE SAID!

In the call to the department, I learned a few things. First, they also agreed that the requirements on their website weren’t super clear. Then they told me that with my specific background (patient advocacy, nonprofit founder, etc) that sometimes exceptions can be made. There was still hope despite what I was telling myself. They said that multiple people in their office agreed that I would be a good fit for the program, but ultimately I would still have to wait (up to) 6 weeks for my application to be reviewed. This was a Friday. I submitted my application Wednesday of the same week. I had resulted to spending the holidays perseverating over their decision and my future. I told myself that in another day or so I would start working on my backup plan.

Sunday morning I opened my email to find an acceptance letter.

This whole process has been a real lesson in trusting the universe. I stumbled upon this field and the career itself. I’ve had numerous opportunities along the way that have appeared out of thin air. All things are lining up for me in a way I’ve never experienced before, which is why it felt like such a gut punch when I thought it slipped away before it even started.

I am working harder to lean into the idea of Pronoia:

Pronoia is a state of mind where someone believes that the world is conspiring to help them, and is the opposite of paranoia.

The work that I want to do….feels BIG. The people I want to help are so important. To a certain extent it feels like this was chosen for me and I’m just along for the ride. A feeling I can’t kick…especially now. Especially when it feels like I shouldn’t have even gotten this far.

There are still definite unknowns. There is a possibility I could finish this program and still not qualify for AASECT certification based on my background but that is a bridge I will cross…or build…when I get there. For now I’m just elated I get to start this work in April and I’ve resulted to worry less about it.

So sometimes the universe works for you. And every single person you tell is rooting for you SO hard. And maybe it’s all going to work out exactly how I pictured.

And maybe it won’t. But this is step one and I’m very ready to see what the next steps look and feel like.

I’ve also been waiting since I got that letter to make this post…still convinced I’d receive a call or something telling me they’d made a mistake. I even got a spam call this week labeled as University of Michigan and I was like THIS IS IT. THEY’VE FIGURED IT OUT! But instead of continuing to panic and doubt myself…I paid the deposit for the program.

And I will not be doubting myself anymore in regard to this path. As an obsessive rule follower…here’s a reminder, for you and me, that anything is possible.

It has been almost a month to the day since I last wrote about the training that I took.

A lot has happened since then and it’s taken me a little while to put it all together into thoughts that are coherent. Mostly coherent.

I just don’t think I’ve ever had an experience where it really feels like the universe is working for me, and not only that, but the real people in my real life are also helping out. It catches you off guard when you decide to change your life and nothing gets in the way.

ANYWAY. I’m so excited to share with you some info about the Elevatus Training program and why I fell so in love with it.

Right of the bat, this training was created in conjunction with Green Mountain Self-Advocates, who are people who have intellectual and developmental disabilities(I/DD). The motto of “Nothing about us without us” was repeated several times through my three days of training. As someone who comes from a disability background, just in a a different sphere, this was something that really got me amped. So many things in this world are created for people with disabilities but those very people aren’t even consulted in the process. This is different.

This curriculum is designed to be team taught, meaning I need to have a co-teacher and that person needs to be someone who lives with ID/D. In the training call I was silently nodding my ahead in approval when they explained this but inside I was like LET’S GO!! Not only were the people of this community behind creating this curriculum but they guaranteed it’s integrity by requiring a member to be there each time it is taught. YES. YES. YES.

The training guide is about 450 pages long1 not only because its very thorough but because it covers more than just the biology of sex and intercourse. This training goes into how to be a good partner, how to know if you’re ready for a relationship and so many more things that make us whole and complete partners. This is the training WE ALL should have gotten. This program is designed for people with ID/D but every single person alive could have learned a lot about the care and maintenance of relationships if we had had training like this when we were younger. Or even now for some of us….

This training is trauma-informed. Here’s a quick run down if you’re not clear on the term trauma-informed. This is really important to me. On so many levels. It became a lot more important to me the further we got into the training and the more I learned about the prevalence of sexual assault and abuse on those within the ID/D community. 7 times. They are 7 times more likely to be assaulted than those living without disabilities. SEVEN TIMES. Combine that with a resistance to teaching this community about sexual health and wellness and we now have the perfect storm of a vulnerable community that has not been given the verbiage or framework to report their abuse.

This fact took my breath away. I really wanted to get into this field because I think everyone deserves this information. I wanted to help people learn about sex and enjoy sex, no matter who they are. This was the hill I planned to die on. But it’s all so much bigger now.

In the training two of our instructors mentioned being called as expert witnesses in court cases about this very topic. This is real shit. Teaching people with ID/D gives them knowledge about what is right and wrong in sexual situations, it also gives them the words to explain what is happening to them and is a lifeline for getting help. This is bigger than just helping people have good sex, this is about keeping people safe.

The training itself is 22 lessons long, and usually taught over the course of 22 weeks. There are so many thoughtful details in this training and I am very excited an honored to be someone who can teach it.

And teach it, I will. I have a few contacts I need to reach out to but if things keep going the way they are going, I will be in front of an eager crowd before I know it! I’ve had a one-on-one meeting with the woman who ran the training to talk about who/what/when/where/how I can get started and she gave me a slew of the best contacts I could have ever imagined. I still need to reach out to them all but I’m trying to pace myself so I don’t get overwhelmed.

Because p.s. I plan to start school in early December. The ball is rolling and it’s picking up speed so much faster than I imagined!

Now that this program is done, I’m going to go read some stuff that is fun and interesting again. Keep your eyes peeled for more fun, historical sex facts.

I barely read the details but I signed up immediately. All I knew was it started in August, it was free and it was based in the field I want to get into. Sign me up.

Ya’ll …ya girl had no idea what she was getting herself into and how, once again, this whole trajectory could be changing again…for good reasons.

I’m currently 2 days into a 3-day training program designed BY people with intellectual and developmental disabilities (I/DD) FOR people with I/DD. I’m so here for that kind of material.

Here’s what I found out on day one:

• this training normally costs about $1,300 if paid for privately

• this is a certification program and I will be certified to teach the Elevatus 22-lesson curriculum at the end

• in exchange for the program being free and once I am certified, I am agreeing to teach this material locally and often. And soon.

• this is a co-teaching program, I will always be team teaching with someone from the I/DD community.

• this is exactly where I want to be.

What’s that? Is that you, Universe? Are you aligning everything up for me in a way I didn’t see coming? Did you slap this amazing opportunity in front of me without me even realizing it? Did you just get me connected with the exact people I need to know in order to turn this plan into action?

Yes. Yes you did.

I’m still processing the training and the ways in which I want to share it with you. I’m also preparing for the final class, where I will be teaching a lesson from the curriculum.

I also have a really important meeting tomorrow where I will get answers to a lot of my open-ended questions.

Wish me luck!

Tell Them You Love Me has been on my radar to watch for quite some time not only because I’m a sucker for documentaries but because one of the themes it explores is something I’m very passionate about, consent. Specifically consent among adults with disabilities. Aside from that, I knew nothing about the documentary or the people who it revolves around. But since it was on my list of topic ideas, I gave it watch over the weekend and I was right. This is exactly the kind of media that I want to consume and report back on but this one is different than all the others so far. There aren’t laughs or fun facts to share with you.

In fact, after I watched it I almost talked myself right out of making a post about it because this documentary made it abundantly clear how green I am in this space. It was as if the nuance on discussions around disability and consent became huge, and neon pink and it was no longer nuanced at all. I became very aware that I lack the education, knowledge and experience to have an informed opinion on what happened in that documentary and I got really afraid of trying to write about it and then getting it wrong. I am mindful of how getting something like this wrong, could have larger implications once I am working in this space.

But I’m not working in this space. Yet.

And one of my main reasons for wanting to start writing again was so that I could better retain the information that I’m learning….sooooo…..I am going to write about it. And I am going to lean on the fact that I am still learning and hope that comes across very clearly.

At the start Tell Them You Love Me is about an adult man named Derrick who has cerebral palsy, is non-verbal, has historically scored low on IQ tests, and is cared for by his mother and brother.

While in college Derek’s brother John met Anna Stubblefield, who was the instructor of a disabilities studies class, where he learned about Facilitated Communication (FC). I hadn’t heard of FC before, and while it was being introduced in the documentary I was blown away at what I was seeing. Facilitators were able to use keyboards to help non-verbal people have a voice of their own. How revolutionary! I made a note to myself to look into how Facilitated Communication is currently being used in sexual situations for non-verbal adults.

Researchers were now able to learn about the hopes and desires of non-verbal people, and with the support of FC, were starting to rethink their previous thoughts about what these people were capable of in terms of their cognition and independence. Anna, the director of Philosophy at Rutgers, was someone who had spent her entire live learning about people with disabilities. She watched her mother work with blind children professionally, and had a general curiosity about disabilities as a child, even learning braille just for fun. The term “well respected” seems appropriate here because she was someone who had been immersed in disability, the rights of disabled people, and the role of caregivers. Anna was a champion for people with disabilities, spending her life helping to improve theirs. John talked to Anna after class and together they agreed she would work with Derrick to explore his abilities through FC.

In the “promos” for Facilitated Communication they show a young woman, Sue Rubin, who is typing out her responses unassisted on a keyboard. Later in the documentary they show lots of old clips of people hunting and pecking away on keyboards without assistance but it quickly becomes apparent that a large amount of people using FC need some kind of arm/elbow support in order to push the keys on the keyboard. So the FC facilitators hold their arms or hands for stability and then the person they are helping can direct their arms and then fingers to the key they want. So far, so good. Not only can non-verbal people like Derrick now communicate with the world, but there are lots of “Derricks” that are now not only able to show that they have vibrant personalities but they can also showcase their intelligence. Derrick, according to Anna, had the capacity to do “high-level work”, including college school work. Despite 20+ years of doctors stating his mental capacity was that of a toddler at best, Derrick was now enrolled at Rutgers.

Derek and Anna spent a lot of time together, having conversations through the Neo, which was the device/keyboard that Derek used to communicate. They grew closer as they got to know each other and, in no surprise to anyone who has seen a trailer for the documentary, they fell in love. To complicate this situation, Anna was already married and a mother of two.

Anna and Derek begin to make plans about their future together. They decide he should move out of his mom’s house into an assisted living community. They decide that he will enroll in college because his intelligence is undeniable. They decide she will leave her husband. They decide to progress their romance into a physical relationship.

Now this is the point in the documentary where I expected it to go in the direction of whether or not adults with severe developmental disabilities could consent to romantic love and intimacy. I was ready for that, and weirdly looking forward to a story of triumph around this topic. I naively wanted a real-life, highly publicized account to showcase that people with developmental disabilities can have sex lives too.

This was not that. Not even close. Not even a little bit. Not even at all.

Instead the documentary begins to share the rocky science that FC was built on.

Oh no.

Then it shared one doctor’s research on FC which showed that it simply does not work. And frequently the person attempting to communicate through the keyboard, was being heavily influenced by the facilitator, who was often subconsciously (and consciously) moving the hands and fingers to keys to spell out words and phrases.

Well shit.

And it didn’t stop there. There is an absolute slew of false accusations of sexual abuse toward parents and caretakers of people with disabilities who were using FC.

I audibly said, “oh no” when this part came up. Immediately felt regret for my previous enthusiasm about using FC in sexual situations. Did I let my enthusiasm for consent do that thing where I decided FC is great for this community because what would be helpful is to speak/type, and since speaking/typing is “normal” it therefore makes everything easier for the rest of us? Maybe I did that. Maybe I just really want people who want to have sex to be able to share their consent. Maybe it’s both. I’m still learning here.

There are A LOT of things that Anna shared about Derrick, that she said came directly from him, including things like what he wants to be called and his favorite type of music. Anna is convinced she knows Derrick better than anyone, including his family.

His family thinks otherwise and after finding out Derrick and Anna have engaged in intercourse, they begin to severe the relationship with Anna. It’s important to note here that Anna is a white woman, and Derrick and his family are Black. The documentary touches heavily on race and the potential role it played in this whole situation and whether or not Anna was swooping in with a white savior complex and giving Derrick the life that she though he needed.

After cutting off contact with Anna, Derrick’s mother works with the police to record a conversation with Anna where she admits to having intercourse with Derrick multiple times. Anna is soon charged and found guilty of two counts of first-degree aggravated sexual assault. She later appeals, wins, and gets released on time served through a plea for a lesser charge.

At the end of the documentary we’re left with a lot of questions. Did Anna really believe that she shared this mutual relationship with Derek? Was she consciously taking advantage of him? Has Anna seen the discredited science on FC and does she have a response to it? Is it possible that Derrick was able to comprehend the relationship? Did he consent? And many more.

For the purposes of my research, I wanted to understand a little more about the dynamics of adults with disabilities and the role their parents play in their mature relationships.

I was prepared to inflate my belief that adults with disabilities are still adults, even if their parents can’t see it. Sometimes parents just can’t let their kids grow up, ya know? There is even a line in the documentary where Anna says something similar to this that I actually agree with:

If you’re in a giving care frame of mind, you don’t see the person you’re supporting as somebody who’s in a position to make their own decisions, who has their own ideas about how they want things done. You wanna give them some control to develop into a person who has a good sense of themselves. So that part is a harder adjustment for parents or teachers who’ve been in a taking care of you mode.

Before the film unveiled the doubts around FC, I was hopeful that this tool could help those who want to gain decision-making independence from their parents to be able to do that. There are success stories, there ARE people who have had this level of independence gained, but the use of Facilitated Communication has been rejected by the American Psychological Association, The American Speech-Language Hearing Association and several other prominent organizations.

So this was not a magical tool. Instead I’m left contemplating what consent looks like for non-verbal adults and what role parents play in their developmentally disabled adult children’s ability to consent. What happens when a parent won’t let their kid explore what it means to be a sexual being? And what protections are in place for their adult child if they DO support their kid exploring in this way? For now, I just don’t know.

These shows have been controversial among audiences, but I love them. I feel like it shows dating in a way that is honest and pure and doesn’t include many of the “games” that so many encounter in contemporary dating situations. I love learning about people who have disabilities that are very different than mine, I love watching them fall in love, I love watching their parents beam with pride over their adult kids navigating this territory for the first time. I love watching families help each other through new experiences. But most importantly, from my perspective, it showcases their desire for partnership and love in a way that I think the rest of the word struggles to see. At the core, it shows that we all want love and connection.

It was on an episode of Down for Love that the trajectory of my life changed, which seems wild considering I wasn’t on the show nor was anyone I know. Hell, I don’t even live on the same continent. In episode 4 we meet Carolyn O’Neill, a sex educator, who was brought in to educate one of the young couples on the show.

And this is the moment my life changed because it said this about her…

It stopped me completely in my tracks. I took that photo above and I sent it to my sister and I said “THIS IS A REAL JOB PEOPLE CAN HAVE?!?!?!?!”

An intimacy coach for people with disabilities. And it’s all I’ve been thinking about since last summer. I watch TV with subtitles because #adhd and that image with a drink on screen and those subtitles has literally played through my mind for almost an entire year. I was already thinking about getting into the sex educator/therapy/whatever field for a little while but I wasn’t quite sure where I fit, or what I would do. I was feeling like a huge imposter because WHO AM I TO TEACH PEOPLE ABOUT SEX? What do I even know? I’ve never been an educator. Or a therapist. Or a coach. Or someone who has even studied sex and it’s complex history.

But then all of that got completely wiped away when I saw that short scene. I just knew that was what I would do. I still don’t have those skills yet but I will and when I found out that most programs don’t even talk about disabilities, that’s when I was like, “Ok bitch snap out of that imposter shit, this is your mission should you choose to accept it.” And accept I did.

I LOVED watching Carolyn explain consent to them and honestly that part REALLLLY got to me. I just kept thinking about if I got a chance to teach people about sex in the way that I wish I had been taught, what I could do, what I could change. Even just spreading the message of consent far and wide and how powerful that will be.

The other major take away from these shows that I’ve gotten is how hard it is for families to talk about sex with their adult kids. Let’s be real, most parents and kids don’t want to talk to each other about sex but this issue is far more complex than just the birds and bees talk for these families.

In society we infantilize adults with intellectual disabilities negating the entire idea that they may be or want to be sexual beings and therefore often do not give them any sex education at all. We’ve decided they cannot and should not have sex. Historically we’ve made reproductive decisions for them without their consent in the most barbaric of ways. I’d argue that the vast majority of adults without disabilities think that sex, intimacy, pleasure and partnership are things that are out of sight and out of mind for adults with disabilities. But they ARE adults and should be given an education about their bodies and sex like most other people get.

So this Netflix show really did change the course of my life because it solidified what my role could be. From there I realized that with my own experience with chronic illness and in gathering women through the years, that women with chronic illnesses (who are also likely approaching menopause) would be another good potential group of people to focus on. So that’s the plan. And while the plan will still take some time to go into motion, I am so excited about this future. About the people I’ll meet. The things I’ll learn. The change I am desperate to make. And hopefully with all this work, and writing, and tuition bills….I’ll also be helping a lot of people with disabilities have brain bending, face melting sex and then I will know my work here is done!

Last week Dr. Ruth passed away at the age of 96 (#goals). I know of Dr. Ruth as there was a period of time where it felt like you couldn’t miss her doing quick cameos on TV in the 90s, but I don’t really know a ton about her. I would love to be able to pop on here with this new career path and give some long sincere memorial of the great impact she made on my life but I won’t because she didn’t.

But I did want to honor this bad ass old lady who has been talking about sex since forever and do some research about why she was so important and why so many in this field are writing incredible sincere memorials about her.

You guys… I got exactly 3 sentences in to her Wikipedia page and I was blown away by this INCREDIBLE woman. Then I watched her 2019 documentary, Ask Dr. Ruth, and I am now bursting at the seams with admiration for this woman. Gushing, if you will. And like most things in my life, quite a few years too late to really be able to experience the treasure that really is and was Dr. Ruth Westheimer.

Early Life (An almost disrespectfully short summary of her younger years)

Quick summary: Born to jewish parents in 1928, Karola Ruth Siegel was only 10 years old when her parents sent her to Switzerland for her safety and to escape from the Nazis. Both of her parents were lost in concentration camps. After the war, when she was 17 and stood a whopping 4’7, she was relocated to British controlled Palestine where she joined the IDF and trained as a sniper. Literally she could have stopped there and been a remarkable women with a powerful legacy.

After that she moved to Paris with her first husband and began studying psychology. Her husband was far less into completing his studies and wanted to return to Israel, which he did after their divorce. In Paris she met her future second husband, with whom she had her first child with. She received notice around this time that due to the fact that her early education was impacted by the war and Holocaust, she was given a $1,500 stipend from the government. With this cash, her family immigrated to the US.

At the time she spoke very little English and eventually divorced her husband because “he wasn’t an intellectual” (what a badass). She was a single mom in the 50s, making $1/hr working as a maid until she worked toward completing her masters in sociology in 1956, and then got her doctorate at age 42. This little fact made my future-sex-educator heart flutter because I regularly worry that 40 is too late to try to get into this field. But hey, if it worked for Dr. Ruth who am I to question greatness?! I’m summarizing her early life here because I really want to dive into the impact she’s made on the world of sex therapists and educator but she had a very fascinating, complex, tragic, uplifting (etc. etc.) life before she even had a single session as a sex therapist.

Early Career

After completing her doctorate, Dr. Ruth continued on her path of being a real one and worked at Planned Parenthood in Harlem training other women to be sex educators and family planners. After working with Planned Parenthood she decided this work was the shiz and decided to stay the course and dive further into human sexuality. She worked all over New York in various hospitals and as an adjunct professor at many top universities and basically everywhere that would elicit an earnest “oh wow” if you heard the name. She eventually opened a private practice on the Upper East Side.

Queen of Media

In 1981, Dr. Ruth (aged 52) had a radio call-in show called Sexually Speaking (think a precursor to Loveline) and by 1983 it was the top radio show in the biggest market in America. It was a first of it’s kind type of call-in show and studio executives had major doubts about it so they gave her the midnight airtime on Sunday nights. So “Grandma Freud” as they called her, started with a 15 minute show that eventually blossomed into a full 2 hours. At the height of her show’s popularity the AIDS crisis hit and she never shied away from it. Always an ally for the LGBTQIA+ community, Dr. Ruth was speaking about the atrocities of the AIDS epidemic when it was something that was condemnable, something that could have ended her career.

The show ran for a decade and then she launched her TV show, The Dr. Ruth Show which collected over 2 million weekly viewers.

I’m sorry, what?! Her tag phrase was “Get some”?! What a fucking icon.

By the time she was 57 she had already conquered radio and television and had been talking about sex in front of the public for almost 20 years. She hosted various series on the Lifetime network, she was a regular on talk shows, was on the cover of mainstream magazines, sang on a popular album, was in commercials, did work with Playboy and authored some 45 books. She even had a board game. There was also a one-woman play written about her and a 2019 documentary about her life.

Also Pattie Brooks wrote the most 80s sounding 80s banger about Dr. Ruth and promoting safe sex:

The 80s were wild.

Anyway by the time the 90s came along, Dr. Ruth was literally everywhere. This is where my memories start to kick in but considering for most of the 90s I was really focused on Power Rangers and Hanson, I wasn’t really the target market nor did I pay a ton of attention.

But dayum, I’m paying attention now.

In fact, I think after what I’ve learned today I’m even MORE excited to start this work later in life. The fact that a female immigrant in her 40s, talking about a very taboo topic, sky rocketed to being a household name in the 80s is beyond legendary. It’s inspirational.

So I’ll leave you with a quote that I snagged from the documentary that I feel like sums up her approach to life and may just become my new mantra:

Rest in power, Dr. Ruth.

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Nothing sounds sexier, amirite?

While the linen condom didn’t really take off, the brilliant minds of the time had something else up their sleeves…the animal gut condom. This is where our rich prophylactic history gets really good.

Unlike the linen condom, we do have real live examples of the animal gut condoms, usually made from lamb or pig skin. The occasional fish skin condom existed but I think it’s pretty easy to see why this one didn’t last the test of time.

Listen to this shiz:

Dudley Castle, in the West Midlands of England, was an old ass castle even in the 1600’s when it had basically already been closed down. Then in 1642, it was reoccupied because there was a civil war in which soldiers were garrisoned within the castle walls. By the time 1647 rolled around, the war was over and a bunch of the castle was demolished and by doing so, created a very specific and condensed time capsule.

In the 1980s the castle was being excavated and while they were going through the long drop latrines they found gold… a sentence I’m not sure has even been written before in the history of time. Among the privies that the soldiers were privy to use, archeologists found 10 intact animal gut condoms. 5 good as new, 5 used… We’ve been flushing condoms for literally hundreds of years.

By the time we get to the mid-1600s, animal gut condoms are being mass produced and sold most often to the upper middle classes. Due to the intense, hands-on work it took to make these condoms, they were quite spendy for the time.

And speaking of how to make them:

1. Remove all the fat from the intestine

2. Soak in alkaline solution. Repeat #1 and #2 until clean

3. treat with brimstone (which possibly was a disinfect or preservative)

4. Cut to size, 6-9inches in length

5. Tie the end

6. Blow it up like a balloon (seriously) and then let it dry out

7. Sew or attach a ribbon to help keep it in place while being used

Here’s the thing though…you didn’t want that tied end. There were two kinds: a tied end and the naturally enclosed end. One was sealed by nature, one was sealed by a lady tying tiny knots by hand. One was definitely more useful than the other. Those sealed end condoms were more expensive due to the low supply of animal gut end pieces.

So here’s the good news:

These puppies were shelf stable. They would last a pretty long time dehydrated in your wallet. All you’d need to do is dip it in a liquid before your promenade through pound town and you were good to go.

Here’s the not great news (by contemporary standards):

It was intended that you would wash out and reuse these condoms several times before tossing them in the bin.

And remember how I mentioned that usually it was only the rich people who could afford them? Well have no fear, commoners! Those wealthy Casanovas would generously sell you their gently used condoms. Cool cool cool.

One more thing about that:

By the 18th century bawdy houses were buying condoms in bulk to prevent STDs and pregnancy, which was so very well intentioned. However, they were not only washing and reusing condoms, but they were also sharing them among all their patrons, therefore spreading around STDs in a most egregious way. Gross.

Who was making them

THIS IS THE BEST PART! Women! Women were making condoms and making a fortune while they were at it. I don’t know why this feels like such a victory for me personally today in 2024, but women really had the shit end of the stick back then especially when it came to money and autonomy. Hats off to them, but specifically two women, Mrs. Phillips and Mrs. Perkins who had quite a rivalry in the 1770s.

Mrs. Phillips was the O.G., she had been making condoms for like 30 years when Mrs. Perkins came along and began slandering Mrs. Phillips in printed ads. At one point she even claimed that Mrs. Phillips had died and an imposter was running her business. It was a cut throat businesses for real for real. These ladies had a team of women hand making condoms, street vendors walking around telling people about their products, selling direct to customers and in bulk to pubs and brothels. The 18th century version of the condom vending machine in the bathroom.

By the time the 1840s rolled around the rubber condom gets introduced. Within 10 years rubber condoms are being made to measure but they are comically thick. Imagine walking into your condom measuring appointment. I’m sure 1800s Kyle had a lot to say about “feeling nothing” in regard to his custom sized, chubby rubber.

The podcast is Betwixt the Sheets and it’s my current podcast obsession. It’s hosted by Kate Lister, (who I hope to become best friends with some day) a delightful historian with loads of personality and a delightful British accent. You can’t lose.

The episode itself is called Tudor Origins of the Condom (it’s linked below) and oh man was this one a delight. Kate is joined by Dr. Kate Stephenson who is also a historian but her specialty is ancient condoms. If I had known you could get a career studying things like ancient condoms, I would have been on a very different trajectory in my younger years.

But alas let’s talk about the (incomplete) history of the condom. What I love most about learning about the history of products we still use and behaviors we still participate in is how drastically different circumstances and attitudes are now…and what painfully has not changed at all. Turns out we’ve always had problems with the Kevins and Kyles of the world not wanting to wear condoms.

The origins of the condom

Long story short…we don’t really know. Back in the day, and I mean like cave paintings back in the day, there was a painting with a bison and a dude wearing a penis sheath. To the contemporary eye, this sheath may look like a condom, and mayhaps it is one, but there just isn’t enough proof to back that up.

In fact, there have been claims and assumptions that maybe the Egyptians, the Romans, or even pre-historic peoples were the ones to invent the condom. All I can think about is this scene from Billy Madison and maybe somehow now the buffalo makes more sense…

Linen Condoms

Anyway, the earliest recorded account of a condom was from the early 16th century from an Italian anatomist, Gabriele Falloppio, who was getting real sick and tired of all this dang syphilis going around. Apparently in 1495 there was a massive syphilis outbreak that was spreading across Europe and people were UPSET about it. Enter Gabriele Falloppio, who not only gave us an early condom was also so generous to lend his name to the fallopian tube.

Mr. Fallopian Tube himself invented what could only be described as the worst condom in the history of ever.

It was made out of linen and was big enough to cover just the tip… That’s right folks, a piece of dry fabric. Ok, I lied. There were instructions to use a bit of saliva to help with the uh…friction we’ll say.

Apparently our dude Gabriele was a legit scientist because he allegedly tested this linen condom among 1,000 soldiers to see how effective it was at preventing syphilis. His instructions were to wash the penis (yay!) but were not clear on whether or not to use the condom during intercourse or after (what?).

We’ll never get to know the results of that incredibly scientific study (that we definitely could not predict results from at this point in time), because we don’t have the whole of his research to reference anymore. I have so many questions. While there are other references to linen condoms in the books, there are currently no surviving linen condoms that we have managed to dig out of the earth. A tragedy for us all.

See you next week for Part 2!

I think the reason why this particular section was so intriguing to me was because of the contemporary conversations around frequency of sex with married couples. What is normal? How many times a week are people having sex? These questions are Googled frequently and yet almost every professional I’ve ever seen speak on the topic shies away from making any definitive statements around what is “normal”. This is in stark contrast to what the norms were in medieval times because the norm, as you’re about to read, was hella infrequent.

In this time period the rules and regulations around martial boot knocking were all set in place by the church (shocker) and while the church knew that sex was required for procreation they definitely did not want anyone to enjoy it. Joy, pleasure, fun…none of those were acceptable reasons to bang. I know you’ll be shocked to hear that while the church had some very specific rules and regulations set in place, most of their concern was around women and the act of sex.

Without further adieu, here are the parameters in which adult, consenting, married couples were permitted to have sex:

Frequency

• No sex on Wednesday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday*

  • Penalty for sex on a Sunday was 4 days of eating only bread and water

  • Note this is already 208 days out of the year that are off the table

• No sex on Saint’s feast days (60 days a year)

• No sex on public holidays

• No sex during the 40 days of Lent

• No sex during the 20 days of Advent

• No sex during the 20 days of Pentecost

• No sex during the week of Whitsun1

• No sex during the week of Easter.

  • We’re now at approx 240 days out of the year where no one is getting any

• A woman cannot have sex with her husband in the 8 days leading up to her husband taking the eucharist.

• No sex while the woman is menstruating

  • If caught, 10-40 days of bread and water for you as punishment.

  • The concern here was that your child would be born with a myriad of diseases including leprosy, epilepsy or a much more awful prospect…they would be a red head.

• No sex during pregnancy or breastfeeding

  • Note that some of the poorer women during this time often breastfed for up to 2 YEARS

  • Punishment for sex while pregnant was 20 days on bread and water, which ya know, is definitely not enough nourishment for a growing fetus.

Location

• No sex in public

• No sex in church

  • Breaking this rule results in 40 days of bread and water

  • While this one might seem like a rule we would subscribe to even today, it excluded the members of the clergy who were bumpin’ uglies despite it being against their oaths. Most of these documented cases were against the will of the woman involved, and only she received punishment.

• No sex during daylight hours

How to have sex

• The sole purpose of the act was to procreate. Do not enjoy it. Ever.

• Missionary. That’s it, forever and ever.

  • Doggy style results in 10 days on bread and water

• Definitely do NOT let the woman be naked

• Make sure she has some kind of covering on her hair

  • It was believed during this time that if women were naked, and their head uncovered they would lose all the heat in their body and …die, maybe? I’m not sure but something awful might happen if she’s naked so better wear a hat.

We do know that many medieval people did not follow these rules, whether that be because they didn’t like them or more specifically didn’t like rules/laws in general. Not only was sexual assault rampant (especially perpetrated by clergy), but there were plenty of documented brothels and bawdy houses that definitely did not subscribe to this rule set. But the way society thinks about sex does not always reflect the way society has sex, amirite?

I am giddy with excited for what the rest of this book holds. Last week I received a copy of Kinky History by Esme Louise James, so if you liked this set of fun facts subscribe because Esme does not disappoint!

-JZ

This has been something that I’ve been considering for over a year, and have gotten really serious about in the last 6 months or so. If this is the first time you’re hearing about this…uh sorry about that but this is one of many times throughout my life that I feel like I am being summoned by the universe to do something. I’ve been keeping it close to my chest though for a lot of reasons:

• The program is expensive and I’m not ready to fork over the cash just yet

• I’m not interested in other people’s opinions about this major career change

• I’ve been enjoying having my secret future plan and day dreaming about it

• I really needed to make sure this is what I want to focus my time and energy on before I made a declaration to the world

I’ve been “called” to do a lot of other really important stuff in my life, including the advocacy work that I’ve been doing for almost 20 years. I’ve loved advocacy work because it matters so much, and if I can toot my own horn for a minute, I do really feel like I’ve been a pioneer in that space. But its time to pioneer some other, equally important shit now.

The thing that stood out to me while I was researching programs in the sexual health space was that none of the curriculums I’ve seen so far have mentioned anything about people with disabilities and their sex lives. Well guess what? Disabled people are DTF too. So I’m on a new mission and with this one I’m planning on playing the long game. I’m going to finish this program, start a new business and service this community the way it deserves, and in ten years I’m going to write that damn curriculum myself.

At least that’s the goal. If someone gets there before I do, well that’s a win/win for everyone but in the event that these programs continue to minimize the experience of disabled people, I nominate myself as tribute to take on that mission.

So now that you’re caught up here’s my official declaration:

I, Jackie Zimmerman, am going to be talking non-stop about sex for the next couple years (at least).

I’m going to drown myself in sex related media until my program starts in 2025 and that is why we’re here.

After 2025 I hope to start another, successful, business where I continue to talk about sex non-stop and help a lot of people along the way.

The books and podcasts that I’ve been reading so far are so damn fascinating that I’m tired of keeping these facts to myself. The reading list and podcast list right now include anything that is sex-related but also is fun to read/listen to. There’s plenty of time for science and boring stuff later and I’ll be sharing all that here too. Safe to say, I’m back to (over)sharing my life on the internet again, that way it should be.

I’d love for you to join me on this multi-year journey. You can subscribe to this publication where I will occasionally post some free articles but the best stuff, the most hilarious and absurd stuff, the stuff you can’t even believe…that stuff is going behind a very inexpensive paywall ($5/mo).

Writing is such a labor of love for me, and I’ve missed it so much, but school is also expensive. I’m going to be using any dollaz made through this endeavor to pay for school and the books that I’ll be reading along the way.

So if you’ve liked my writing in the past, you just wanna learn more about the weird, kinky things that our ancestors were doing, or you care about the communities I want to work with, join me.

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